Unsolicited Advice (From Your Non-Breeding Friends)

Originally published in the Summer 2008 issue of Playground Magazine.

Top view of happy young pregnant woman holding baby booties on her abdomen and smiling while two friends sitting close to her and making selfie

They have been by your side through the pivotal turning points in your adult life, but what happens when that pivotal moment lasts nine months and consists of raging hormones and a baby growing inside you? PLAYGROUND’s childless friends off their unsolicited advice on your big life change. Written by Julie Caruso & Danielle Stults 

Too Much Information 
We have to go through pregnancy, but might someday want to. With that said, the explicit details scare us. We were shocked to hear the strange places yo had hair growing and the fancy maneuvering you and your hubby mastered in order to do the wild thing. Love you to pieces, but TMI.

The Fetus Chronicles 
We were excited to hear about the baby’s development in-utero, but the weekly emails comparing the baby with edible objects (a peanut we get, but a chicken breast?) were slightly disturbing. We would prefer not to get hungry when picturing your precious cargo.

Ovulation Interrogation 
We don’t even know when we’re ovulating, and we involuntarily began marking our calendars when you were. We do want to know how “Project Pregnancy” is going, but spare us the details on your internal temperature.

Stop Judging 
Just because you are with child, doesn’t mean we can’t keep up with our happy hours and after-hours parties. Right now you are more focused on Gerber bottles than wine bottles, but we truly believe you’ll be ready to toast to a girls’ night after 10 hours of labor and three sleepless months.

Beg, Borrow or Steal 
Billy Ray Cyrus called, and he wants his overalls back. You are a hip and chic mommy-to-be, and the fashion world has embraced you. Don’t get sucked into those baggy t-shirts and mu-mu gowns. Comfort is key, but fashion comes first! Maybe we’ll feel differently once we’re pregnant, but if so, feel free to repeat our own advice back to us.

Fat or Not Fat? 
You are not fat – you are just pregnant, so stop asking! Unless you are Victoria Beckham, you will gain more than 15 pounds during pregnancy; even we know that. Eat healthy and take care of your baby the way your one gazillion how-to books instruct you, and you’ll continue to look fabulous.

All joking aside, nothing makes us smile more than picturing your bundle of joy… except maybe picturing our future bundles of joy playing with yours.

 

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